I'm Not Dead. Ho ho ho!

I haven't posted in a while, mostly because it's the holiday season, and if you're a mom (or know a mom, or well, technically, are a human being who lives in the Western world and has some understanding of holiday norms and such) you know that now is not the time that one has a lot of extra time for snarking on other people's clothes. Thus, my absence. Don't get me wrong--I love the holidays. My house is the brightest on the block (for reals) and I have a plethora of baked goods at any given time (today I have a huge bag of hazelnut crinkles on my desk, which I have been snacking on when no one is looking). But all the gifting and merriment can get a little...tiring. Thus, again, my outward appearance is somewhat lacking and not befitting of someone who write about this kind of stuff. I actually have on a full face of make-up today, for the first time in a week. Yes, folks, it's gotten that bad.

But I am excited to report that I am....going home for 10 days after the holidays! YEA!!!!!!! I haven't been home in a year, and I have been getting a little homesick the last little bit. Of course, this unlocks a whole ton of questions, the most important of which is...what will I wear? As soon as I made the flight reservations, I went to my closet to contemplate. What were my absolute favorite things that I have to have with me? If you haven't done this in a while, I invite you to do it. Even if you are not going on a trip, it can be an eye opening experience just to look at your closet, and pick out the few items you wear regularly, and don't feel you can do without. Not only does it show you where the gaps are in your closet (I realized that I had little practical footwear to wear with skirts and tights), it can tell you a little about your personal style, and ultimately, yourself.

Here is my list of things in my closet I love. I really want to pack them all, but I'll probably have to have my husband do the actual packing, as he is somewhat of a master at this kind of thing, and I, sadly, am not.
--J. Crew trouser jeans (you knew this was on here)
--my Gap curvy bootcuts and my new Gap long and leans (should be here today (!) and will hopefully replace the old Long and Leans that I have worn to death)
--J. Crew purple merino (lightweight, slim fit)
--J. Crew purple dream sweater (a bit heavier and a bit blousier--what can I say? Purple is my signature color!)
--J. Crew berry cardigan
--J. Crew black cord pencil skirt
--Ann Taylor black turtleneck
--Maggy London red wrap dress (my husband and I are going to go on dates while we are home due to the introduction of free, happy babysitting, and this has to be the dress--it is both of our favorites, and joy of all joys, doesn't not wrinkle)
--Gap black henley sweater dress (again, should be here today--I put it on here preemptively because I love it, got it for a good price, and bought it for the trip)
--J. Crew purple puff sleeve t-shirt (cute with jackets and really comfy)
--Gap black velvet jacket (had it for years, and only wear it at the holidays)
--Isaac Mizrahi cord zebra skirt (this skirt is how I knew Allie at My Wardrobe Today was my fashion sister--I bought this skirt eons ago and it got buried in my closet, despite my love for it. When I saw her rock it (I think the first day I saw her blog), I knew I had to dig it out and check her blog everyday!)
--Banana Republic black shawl collar sweater
--Banana Republic blue bateau neck sweater (when it comes in....)
--my W&M hooded sweatshirt (sorry! Totally a fashionista don't, but I do love it so!)

When I created this list, I ran my eyes over it and realized that I can make a lot of outfits with these things. And frankly, I pretty much do. While I do have other items in my closet (especially when I include work-out clothes and that kind of thing), these are the items I reach for day in and day out, so even when I'm feeling uninspired, I manage not to look that bad. And it's funny--just now as I was typing each of these, I felt myself smile at the thought of each item. These are all items I feel proud to own and take home to show my parents.

As far as shoes go, I basically love all of my shoes (he he!), but have to think of practicality. Since I'm from a place with lots of gravel roads and cold temperatures, I will only be taking one pair of heels when I venture back home. The rest of my shoe wardrobe will depend on how my two newest purchases turn out--I finally bit the bullet and ordered two pairs of tall boots! One pair is black leather, and the other is brown suede. When they come in, I'll have to make some decisions about what to take, as boots can be bulky in the bags, and I don't like to think about my husband's face when I tell him I need him to squeeze not one, but two pairs of boots into my bag. I will also be taking my Merrell mary jane-inspired sneakers, as they are comfy and cute, and my grandmother will not hound me about wearing uncomfortable shoes if I'm wearing them.

I will try to post more (holiday and child permitting) about my newest purchases, and also about my packing. Seriously, I'm not sure if anyone else out there is taking a holiday vacay (I'm sure someone probably is), but packing can be an eye opening experience. Embrace it (and then leave the hard stuff to the fellas)!

What Not to Wear to an Informal Job Interview

Ladies, I'm putting my foot down. I have been thinking of writing this post for a while, but I thought that perhaps I'm just being mean and ranty, and you guys know how I feel about a lot of these things already, so I held it all in. NO MORE! Today someone came to our office for an interview in....low rise jeans and a cropped shirt. NO NO A THOUSAND WORLDS OF NO. It's like God looked down from his post on high and said, "I will send this girl into the midst of the Morgan, and I will force Morgan to write something about this craziness! Let it be so!" And before you fire off an angry missive letting me know that the creator of man has better things to do than to care about me making fun of other people's clothes, I submit that if God didn't care about what we look like, he would not have made cashmere. So there.

So, because I want to please both deities and humans alike, I've created a handy dandy list of things you mustn't ever do if invited to a personal interview with either our company or another informal place. The reason I think this is important is because more and more companies are doing informal interviews--I have seen countless interviews taking place at the Starbucks across the street where both parties are dressed in jeans, and seem relaxed. Most companies who do this kind of thing let you know ahead of time that suits are not required--we send out emails explicitly telling people to dress as they would for a tutoring appointment, that we are not a formal kind of place. The strange thing about informal interviews, however, is that everyone has a different, slightly nuanced idea of what informal is. To some it means "not a suit" and to others it may mean "jeans are ok." I have tried to keep this in mind, and create nothing but big flaming "DO NOT DO'S" that are do not do's no matter where you interview. I will save the "Please Do's" for another time and place.

1. Do not wear a t-shirt with a logo or a slogan on it. We all have these shirts--you know, the witty ones that you wear around the house that say something biting or something cute or tell the world what brand of pants you have on. I've seen fashion blogs that say to not buy these things, that they are the devil, and while I agree that shirts that spell out "BEBE" across your ta-tas are a bit tasteless, I would not give up my "Good Grammar Doesn't Cost a Thing" or my "Ain't No Party Like a Scranton Party" tshirts for love nor money. However, an interview of any kind is not the time to break out your tee. You want to show us your personality through your answers--not have us read it on your chest. Further, you don't want to risk offending someone if they don't particularly get your sense of humor or like the brand of clothes you are pimping. A couple of weeks ago, we had an interviewee show up in a tight t-shirt that promoted some fake beach--it was one of those Abercrombie things that says something funny but is supposed to look vintage. To this day, I can't remember a damn thing about her except that she was the "beach" girl. Plus, a t-shirt is a bit casual for even the most casual of interviews. Find something else.

2. Same goes for your ripped, faded "weekend jeans." Yeah, it's informal, and yeah, jeans are fine in a lot of cases. But if you wear them to be comfortable or you could feasibly have once seen something similar on Bret Michaels, they're not for the interview. Darker is always better, and your jeans should be crisp and fit you well. Also, check the hems--there should be no holes or loose threads or any of that. I don't think I have to tell you why this is a bad idea--ripped, soiled jeans say a lot of things to me, and not one of them has anything to do with trustworthiness. Plus, this is not a good look on anyone (except for maybe Bret).


3. I do not want to see your stomach. If there is any possible way that I could see any bit of your midsection due to either too low pants or too short of a shirt, you had better get your ass back in your room and change. Nothing is worse than someone trying to be all professional and then giving me a glimpse of a belly button. There is nothing about your stomach that is classy. Make sure you are covered. Seriously, a girl came in for her interview today, and not only was her shirt riding up under a zipped up hoodie, but she had jeans on that I'm sure she had to get a Brazilian wax before she put on. They were that freaking low. That, my friends, is nasty. She's standing there, telling me about this wonderful work she's done in Latin America and all I can think of is whether my daughter knows where babies come from or not, and you know, I really don't want to be thinking of that. Keep it covered. And for that matter, that goes for you too, Fergie. I know I will never interview you ever, but for God's sake. There, I said it. Another thing to cross off my to-do list.

4. Don't wear all black. This may sound strange, coming from someone who is writing on a blog called Cult of the Black Sweater, but it is good advice none the less. At an interview, we're looking for your personality, to see if you could related to kids and if you are fun. Frankly, a little color gives us that idea and black does not. Although black is lovely in most situations, use the interview time to show us your "signature color." Not only will we see part of your personality, but we'll also see you at your most comfortable--a favorite color has been proven to make you feel more at ease (and no, I don't know by who, and if you asked, I'm going to say "Your Mom!" Oooo...don't you feel served?). We had a girl come in last week, and she was wearing simple jeans, a simple long-sleeved top in a dark purple, and had a lovely paisley print scarf around her neck. I immediately felt drawn to her--I could feel her personality come alive as soon as she walked in. She got the job.

5. If the invitation says, "informal," don't think that formality will get you the job. We have turned down people who showed up in suits because we didn't feel they fit the culture here. If someone bothers to give you a clue as to what you should wear to get the job, heed their advice.

I've totally lost all fashion credibility.

I mean, it's not like I had much to start out with. But for the SECOND day in a row, I have somehow come to the office in stained pants. Ok, say it with me now: CLASSY.

Yesterday I kinda knew what I was getting myself into because it started out as a crappulous day. My family is sick right now (my husband got something at school and brought it home to incubate--thus infecting everyone in a 10 mile radius of my front door), and so I rushed around yesterday morning, doling out Tylenol Cold and washing dried snot off of cheeks as I got ready for work. I felt so lucky when I found my favorite jeans laying in the floor--hey, at least I didn't have to look for them. I put them on, put on a cashmere sweater that makes me feel better (because nothing goes with stains quite like cashmere), snapped on some hoop earrings and left. I realized on the way to work that there was a humungo stain right on the shin. Like just a bunch of white stuff. I tried to pick it off, but it wasn't coming. I have no idea what it was/is. My best bet is some kind of food detritus, but again, no clue. My husband thinks it looks like a stain of the Monica Lewinsky variety (now there's a dated reference!). Anyway, it stayed on my shin all freaking day. I tried to ignore it.

Then today, I put on The Holy Denim Trousers, actually pulling them off of the hanger in my closet where they had been lovingly hung. I put them on with a purple Dream sweater from J Crew that I just got in the mail yesterday (yea!) and my dark red peep toes. I looped a teal pashmina around my neck. I liked it--the colors didn't match but they did "go". I came to work feeling sassy. However, wouldn't you know that as soon as I stepped out of my car this morning I discovered that this time, there was a skinny, oblong stain on my thigh. Probably just coffee I thought. But no. It's an actual stain. And it's there. Calling out for the world to see. Now I'm going to have to hand wash my pants when I get home, which I'm not really cool with, but seriously, I would do anything short of sell off a kidney to keep these things in running order.

And here's the piece of fashion wisdom I'm going to impart to you. Keep your hair trimmed and in good fashion. Seems unrelated, but hear me out. I need a haircut--hella bad actually. My hair looks rough. And I haven't gotten a cut, the chief reason being that I just haven't gotten around to getting an appointment and there always seems to be something better to do, and whatever. If my hair were looking fine, it probably wouldn't matter one damn bit about my pants--I might not even notice. But because my hair isn't right, and looks overgrown and sad and underappreciated suburban mom (which I guess I am, but damn if I want to look like one), everything just seems a little bit worse. Does that make sense?

I think I'll make an appointment this weekend.

An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

First off, let me say congratulations. You have reached your 15th birthday, and despite being somewhat of an "It girl" on the Disney scene, you've managed to not have a sex tape put on the internet or been photographed vacuuming up strawberry Quik tinged coke whilst "DJ ing" a party with Tom Sizemore on your arm. That warrants a hearty congratulations from me. Because my daughter admires you so very much and because I have thus spent a minor fortune on t-shirts, cd's, posters, even wigs with your face emblazoned on them, I just can't be happy enough that you have managed to avoid rehab for another year. Thank you.

And I say that kind of tongue in cheek, but really Miley, I really appreciate that you do seem to be a rather wholesome girl and that you're giving lip service to the whole "staying pure" issue. Good for you.

But Miley, we really need to talk about the signals you're putting out there.

Now, normally when I see a picture like that, I say something to the effect of "Yowza! Those legs just will not quit!" because I seriously do talk like that. And I would be right. Miley, I would do anything (save strenuous excercise) to get some gams like those. Like the dress, love the shoes, and you "Who, me?" pose is adorable. But here's the thing Miley: you're 15. And pure. That's a mighty short skirt for a girl who is waiting for a Disney Princess theme wedding to open up the family business. And strapless? And orange? Yeah, I like it, and honey if I had the body, you know I'd be strapping this thing on--but I'm in my mid 20's. This doesn't make you look like a pure Disney sweetheart. This makes you look like a girl on the one way expressway to Lohanville.

And honey, I understand that your hormones are probably raging and that this all seemed like a good idea when you saw yourself in the mirror. But the thing this picture is portraying--you don't want that. Let me take you on a little trip. Picture it: southwest VA, the late 90's (and if you're getting vibes of Sophia Petrillo from The Golden Girls here, good for you--I like you more already). A young 14 year old girl is also feeling the mighty power of hormones. And she's succumbing to them. She's 14 and here are the things she has: an 18 year old, pot smoking boyfriend, obvious daddy issues, a wardrobe full of wide leg jeans (it was the mid 90's) paired with skimpy tops, and a dirty mouth. She acts like she knows everything because she does. She's bored out of her mind, and looking for some sort of escape--even of the temporary, back seat variety. That girl--I--would have loved this dress (although probably in black). I would have wanted this dress and all the things that come with it.

Miley, you don't need that. And I'm not just saying that because you're my daughter's idol. I'm speaking purely as one hormone addled teen to another. It sounds old fashioned, but seriously honey. Lengthen the hemline. Wait a little bit. You'll be older soon enough. I got lucky, Miley. I met a guy who calmed me down and we tackled this hormone crazed shit together, one book at a time, making a kind of cool teenage normality in a chaotic world. Not everyone gets so lucky. Hell, look at Britney. Seriously though. You seem to have a nice family, a killer body, a sweet disposition, and marketing geniuses that are going to make sure your great-grandchildren have Louboutinson their feet when they pop out of the womb. Don't fuck it up.

And I know I'm kind of coming down on you hard for what could have been an innocuous little dress, but there's also this photo:

Girl, I have seen that look. I know what a girl probably said right before she made that look, and honey it's something I still have in my arsenal for a quiet day when the kids are occupied. And I swear to God, if you get my daughter started doing that, I will hunt you down, slap a chastity belt on you, and make you do SAT critical reading passages on a Friday night. Do not make me do that.

By the way, if you or someone you know is taking the SAT, call me. If you think my life lessons are good, my standardized test talk is better.

Love,

Morgan