I'm a 10!

So....all you bitches know that I'm classy, right? I like beer, I cheer like a redneck for the crappiest baseball team in the whole damn American League (let's not discuss that), I like nothing more on a rainy day than an US magazine and a grilled cheese made with Velveeta cheese....and I color my hair with boxed hair color. This is not really so unclassy, I guess. There are many people who dye their hair with boxed hair color, and they are upstanding, wonderful citizens who drink cab and have good credit. It's just when I was younger, I remember riding in the back of the car on a trip from the mall, listening to my mom and grandmom talk. They thought I was asleep, as they usually did, so they really started dishing the good stuff (by the way, this is how I learned about sex, drugs, and Jack Daniels--God bless those midnight car rides!). On one particular evening, they were discussing a woman who had (presumably) once been a prostitute and once beat up her husband before getting on a bus bound for Indiana and the waiting arms of a truck driver. I remember their voices getting extra hushed and my grandmother saying, "Well, she dyes her hair that awful red...that Clairol red. Buys it at the drugstore every month." For some reason, that just really stuck with me. I imagined a sad and lonely woman, trekking out to the drugstore, her streaked red hair hanging loose and whore-like around her drawn face, only to see my ethereal grandmother behind the counter, doling out presecriptions and advice like candy. My grandmother's hair was naturally and beautifully gray, and it laid around her head like a halo--totally the opposite of "Clairol red." So I guess, accompanied with this image of old age done gracefully and the washed up (albeit imagined) old age of the town slut, I decided right then and there that I would never dye my hair "Clairol red."

I guess it is telling that when I first decided to try dying my hair at home that I went for the much more buttoned up L'Oreal Natural Match. No sluts here! However, as it usually does, In Style magazine tempted me toward whoredom. In a feature they did in the March issue, they talk extensively about new products and how they have "revolutionized" the beauty industry. I don't know about that....but anyway, Clairol Perfect 10 hair color was one of them. So, well, if you read this blog regularly, you know that I have no self-control and am horribly gullible and you of course know what I did next. Yup, I bought the stuff, not even really knowing if I would like it, if I even really needed it....I'm really a quite horrible person. I bought it at Target and brought the crap home, along with $70 of other stuff that I neither needed nor know if I truly wanted. Ah, such is the way of the Target. Now, if you don't want to think that I'm a horrible consumerist person, go read that post that I wrote about being a good bargain hunter. Or for that matter, find a new blog. Perhaps something written by a nun?

ANYWAY...so the haircolor...the big hook is that it takes...10 minutes. That's pretty much the selling point. Yup...10 minutes rather than 25 or whatever the other was. That's what sent me panting to Target IN THE RAIN. 10 minute hair color. Hmmmm.... But hold up--I actually really like the stuff. Once I got it on, I determined that it really is more than the fact that it can just be done in 10 minutes. This stuff feels much more gentle than the other L'Oreal stuff. The L'Oreal stuff made my head feel like it was being devoured by an angry troop of fire ants. This...not so much. It was just there. And it just took 10 minutes. So, if you're like me, that's 10 minutes to read In Style magazine and plot the demise of Eva Longoria Parker. Or to make 1/3 of a 30 minute meal. Or to do the last writing section on the SAT. Or to ponder the meaningless of existence. You know, whatever.

And when I was done....pretty damn nice, if I do say so myself. Not only is the color shiny and shimmery and all the things that a good out of the box hair color should be, but it also gives my hair some body. Which, with all the other stuff giving my hair body right now (again, see that other post about cheap stuff), I'm a regular Monica Lewinsky. And yes, that's a dated reference, but didn't you just love her hair? I remember my hair stylist telling me that if I used Redken Body and Bounce, I could have that "Lewinsky bounce." Which sounds like something that you'd find in the Starr report, but whatever. Yeah, it didn't work (the Redken stuff), but THIS DOES. My hair just feels thicker.

So the 10 minute hair color doesn't make you a whore (unless, of course, you want it to, and in that case, I would defs. go with the red). It will just give you lots of body, and you will like it. And it will only take 10 minutes. So that's 15 minutes you don't have to spend dying your hair--15 minutes you can prepare half of a 30 minute meal, 15 minutes to save the world from itself, 15 minutes to go to Target and buy more shit. But ultimately, it's 15 minutes to just bitch about Eva Longoria Parker, because isn't that what you want to be doing anyway?

In Defense of The Gap

So I'm fully aware that The Gap is having financial problems or existential problems or probably a combination of the two. My mom is an accounting professor, and over the past few years or so, she has assailed me (more than once) with threats and tales of how one of my favorite stores is struggling to keep its head above water. A quick glance at the Gap website affirms this. In the past year or so, gap.com has become a strange mix of funky little movies, ugly outfits and fashion advice from Patrick Robinson, who remains better known to me for his Go! International Line at Target and the mega cute shirt I bought from said line. Gap does seem to be playing the role of the Jan Brady of the fashion world, its expensive celebrity models and flashy video begging for just one look while the whole of our culture stares complacently at the competitors' shiny, well-loved hair.

Today, on one of my favorite websites (jezebel.com), there is a post about The Gap, and the general consensus among the readers is that it sucks. Lots of readers have commented about how they have long since left the Gap behind for the greener pastures of H&M and Forever 21. I, however, sat reading the comments, feeling left out. I still like The Gap! In fact, I have a coupon from there that I fully intend on using before it expires on Saturday. To me, The Gap is STILL the number one place for denim (I can find the Curvy kinds I like in the petite size I need), and lately, I have found some really cute dresses there as well. I am just filled with Gap love!

My love for The Gap started when I was in the 7th grade. I'll never forget it. I had just made the giant leap from the kids department (at the time we didn't have "tween" shops like Justice or Limited II where I currently spend more money than I care to think about) to the juniors. My wardrobe was hurting. I remember having one pair of Levi's jeans that were a size 3 in an extra slim fit (it's been awhile....) that I wore with these uber heavy turtleneck tunics and Sam and Libby white leather ballet flats. I believe that the turtleneck tunics had roses embroidered on them. Anyway, my mom noticed my scant wardrobe one weekend and told me to get ready...we were going to Johnson City!!!! I remember just being so amazed; I think she was just sick of having to wash out my jeans three times a week. Growing up in southwest VA, Johnson City represented a sort of fashion mecca. It was about an hour and a half away, and it was the home of East Tennesse State University, where my mom had gotten her bachelors. To me, it was madly metropolitan. Hells bells--they even had an Olive Garden. So we packed up and drove over. I remember my mom parking near the Ruby Tuesday and telling me that we would eat there and that they kept the plates for their salad in some sort of chiller so that everything tasted fresh....I couldn't imagine anything more classy. After our Ruby Tuesday meal, we walked down the glittering hall of the Johnson City mall. On the right there was (and there still is--I bought a dress there when I was home for Christmas) a Gap. I had heard of the Gap from the beloved Seventeen, YM, and Sassy magazines I subscribed to. We went in. I remember it being like love at first sight. Everything looked so...perfect. I tried on everything. This ended up being our only stop because I was able to find so many things. I remember my favorite outfits being a pair of pallazzo pants with tiny flowers on them, paired with an olive green short sleeved sweater, a black jacket, and (gasp) a black hat, not so unlike the one Blossom wore on her regular Monday night 8:30 slots. I also managed to find a pair of low-rise jeans that broke the bank at $50 and that I paired with a white long sleeved t-shirt with a picture of San Francisco on the front (I never imagined that I would live near the city immortalized on my favorite tee!). I was in heaven.

And through the years, there have been many perfect pieces found at the Gap. I've had two denim jackets from there, and probably should be looking at buying a third. The outfit I was wearing when I first caught my husband checking out my ass was from the Gap. I got through the bulk of my college career with one wool skirt, a pair of wool pants and a few oxford shirts from the Gap. And although now it is not always my first stop fashion-wise, I always make a point to check it out.

Many argue that the Gap cannot find its target audience and that it is constantly toeing the everpresent tight rope between wanting to appeal to teenagers or their mothers. Possibly this is one reason why I find the Gap so damn appealing--because I am toeing that line myself. As a very young mom, I like things that grasp my "young maturity." Maybe this is why it works for me... Plus, it sure doesn't hurt that I can pick up stuff for my kids next door at Gap Kids. With its mix of well-made basics and cute foundations, the Gap totally fits into my current life, just as it did when I was a smart assed 7th grader.

So what are your feelings about the Gap? Do you shop there? Do you feel their look fits your life? Or is it just a remnant of the bygone past before the days of H&M and its ilk?

Nirvana in the Target Clearance Aisle

Ok. So you know that time I said that in the new year ('08 is still relatively new) I would post more. Yeah. Well. So I'm not great about keeping up with resolutions. Whatever. Also, it's the start of a very busy time of year for those of us in the test prep world, so I've let the ole blog slide while I got started with new students. But everyone is started now, and it's all good, so here I am. Ready to talk fashion and beauty and all those things that people think don't matter, but in reality, matter a whole hell of a lot? Yeah, me too.

So, also in the new year, I have tried to make better purchases. I am quite known, both in my family and amongst my friends, for being able to justify any purchase. A 40 gallon tub of mayonnaise? I make a lot of potato salad. A new Michael Kors bag with the tags still attached? Ebay, and a good deal--now watch me get out those ink marks using dishwashing liquid and the power of prayer. One major place where I overspend is Target (but doesn't everyone? Isn't that Target's raison d'etre?), and I get a lot of flack for this from my husband, who sometimes threatens to let the air out of my tires and tie me down to keep me from going there and buying more (useless) stuff. And of course this all devolves until he says (and I'm quoting here), "If you love Target so much, why don't you go marry it?" Ah, maturity. Anyway, so I overspend at Target. And I'm trying to correct that. One way I'm doing that is just not going there as much. Gone are the days where I would stop there after work without telling anyone and just show up on the doorstep with a cadre of new dinnerware. Sadly, I use this to justify purchases in other arenas, but we won't discuss that. Let's just say it's a resounding success, my Target abstinence.

But I have had to go there, for you know, that stuff that you really can't get anywhere else. I recently ran out of shampoo, conditioner, root boost, soap, and then broke a belt all in the same, stinky, flat-haired day. So I stopped by my favorite store. Remembering all the great reasons why I should be saving money, I hightailed it past the clothes and cosmetics and went back to the necessities sections. In the shampoo aisle, I found all the familiar brands. I was about to pick up another bottle of Pantene, when I saw L'Oreal Vive Pro out of the corner of my eye. I had heard good things about this brand, but it was on the other side of the aisle, where they stock the "better" "salon" shampoo. Too rich for my blood, I thought, reminding myself of the Micheal Kors bag incident above (I had just bought it that day--I bet you thought I was making up that story. I wasn't! But I did make up that 40 gallon tub of mayonnaise. I hate mayo. I do, however, have an institutional size jug of apple cider vinegar in my cabinet, purchased when my husband and I thought we would make NC style BBQ all summer. Yeah, we didn't. God, this is a big tangent. Sorry about this.). But then I saw the bright red sticker on the L'Oreal Vive Pro bottles! Score! It was on clearance! For what reason, I had no idea. Random botulism contamination? Could be. Older than either of my children? Also a possibility. Who cares? It was cheap and on the other side of the aisle--I slammed it in my cart. Now for root boost...and what do I see before my wandering eyes? A humongo bottle of Umberto brand Bodifier Root Building Spray with a red sticker. Was this stuff good? No clue. Who is Umberto? Again, I'm clueless (a quick google search proved that he is a "hairdresser to the stars" and makes a line exclusively for these salons...and Target). But it was on the other side of the aisle, and on clearance, so it went into my cart. I went to the check out line feeling like the most amazing shopper on the planet earth. I even brought the bottles out of my bag at home and showed my husband the receipt, something that 2007 Morgan would never do (2007 Morgan would often rip up Target receipts and leave them in the parking lot, away from my husband's frugal stare). I am awesome.

But the next morning, the cold slap of realization hit me square in the face: What if this stuff sucks? What if my shopping habits make me look like a dumbass? I got into the shower reluctantly. However, I soon found that the Vive stuff had not gone rotten on the Target shelves. It smelled nice. Nice lather. No complaints. I got out and went to blow dry my hair-here was the proof. Sprayed on the root boost, which actually kind of felt good coming out all concentrated like. And I blow dryed. I was almost scared to see the results. But then I brushed the hair out of my eyes, and VOILA. I believe my exact words were, "Shit the bed, Fred. I'm a SEXY BITCH." I had Victoria's Secret model hair, that is, if VS models had bangs and a chin length bob (that's totes me at right). It was all tousled, and full of body, and shiny, and like I had just had amazing sex with Ewan MacGregor in Moulin Rouge (before he got all hairy and motorcycly--you know what I'm talking about). I was awesome. And, to make things even more awesome, I got all this on the cheap.

I got a little bit bolder when I went to Target this last Friday night with my family. We had all just eaten a big sushi dinner, and were looking for some mindless consumerism for dessert. Plus, I had promised my kids a gift (action figure for Sam and cd for Gab) in lieu of Valentine's stuffed animals that would just be forgotten as soon as the holiday was over. I walked past the clothing section, and didn't pay it much mind. But then I saw the clearance rack! Oh, great clearance goddess, will you look upon me favorably a second time? I went over. And there, folks, was the navy blue dress that Allie from My Wardrobe Today found on her Target clearance rack. IN MY SIZE. Now this, folks, is just pure magic. For one thing, it was on the end, so I didn't have look through the whole rack. Second, Target clearance racks are never the same on both coasts. My mom and I have tried this, and know it to be a fact. But there it was. It looked awesome on her, so I grabbed it. I would not tempt fate--I threw it in the cart along with my kids stuff and some clearance racked Valentine's candy. AND, my husband found a bottle of wine with a red sticker on it, and while this really seems like something you wouldn't want to do, the $10 Chard was pretty good.

And the dress...it is damn cute. I'm wearing it right now, actually. I layered a gray long sleeved tee underneath, since it was cold this morning, and I'm wearing tan riding boots (I have to tell you about that too, I realize). I am cute. And it is super comfortable and I spent...$14.98 on it. That's a steal that even my husband can enjoy.

So check out the little red stickers at Target...beauty Nirvana awaits.

Coming soon (hopefully), I will discuss (in no particular order), wide-calf boots, and my 3 (!) new pairs of them, Clairol Perfect 10 hair color, Revlon Color Something or other that is that foundation that lets you pick your perfect shade and that Jessica Alba promotes in a somewhat grouchy sounding voice, and the great fashion shit storm that is Hannah Montana. And yes, I saw the movie. And yes it made me think of Blanche Devereaux of GG fame. Take from that what you may.

I'll leave you with this.