Monday, October 29, 2007
Idol Hands
Thursday, October 25, 2007
WWTS?
Tyra: Let's see your best shot. Ok, Jenny, this is a little strange. You look a little uncomfortable here. The face is ok, but you really need to work on the body. Maybe try some poses in the mirror. This is a little men's magazine-ish. For a shot for women, I like to hunch my shoulders. See how I do this?
Jenny: Well, I was a little uncomfortable. I was afraid you could see my va-jay-jay. See, this dress is really short--it should really be a shirt, but instead they're marketing it as a dress. And they're charging $298 for it. That's kind of insane, don't you think?
Tyra: EXCUSES! You have not earned the ability to make excuses. You pay your dues, you can make excuses. I have paid my dues, so when I make excuses about why the button flew off my too-tight, sausage skin of a dress and blinded Twiggy, it is ok. We believed in you! I belived in you! Don't make these excuses. Thank you, Jenny.
Tyra: Let's see your best shot. Melissa. This is probably one of the worst shots in the bunch. Remember your face, Melissa. Your eyes are dead. You have to smile with your eyes. See? I'm smiling with my eyes. Now I'm not. See the difference.
Melissa: Yes, I see the difference. You are so wise.
Tyra: Melissa, Mr. Jay said that at the shoot you were uninspired and speaking Latin in a deep voice. He said you were incredibly hard to manage, and spit a slurry of green fluids at Sutan.
Melissa: I'm pretty sure that I was possessed by the devil at the time. Just look at my eyes! It all started when I put on that hideous red sack dress, that probably should also just be a really loose tunic, but is instead being marketing as a dress.
Tyra: Melissa, I did the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue when I had mononucleosis and scurvy simultaneously. I felt awful, but I turned it out. That's what this industry is. You have to work no matter how bad you feel. Dead eyes, Melissa. Don't let it happen again. Thank you, Melissa.
*If you would like to purchase either of these abominations, they are available at dillards.com. I would recommend some tights, a rosary and perhaps Ken Paves created sub-par weave to finish the look. Fierce!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Ghouls and Goblins and Booties, Oh My!
But this is by far is the scariest thing I've seen this season:
This looks like something Peter Jackson thought up for Lord of the Rings 4: Fellowship with the Kind of Nerds Who Like these Kind of Movies (and I'll fully admit that my husband is one of those nerds). Yes, that's a bad joke. But this shoe is worse. I'll just say here and now: I hate ankle booties. They have to be the stupidest thing ever conceived. No only are they hideous looking, but they make anyone who wears them look about a foot shorter than they are because they cut off the leg line.
So in the spirit of a movie that I love that is not a horror movie, but rather, probably my very favorite John Cusack movie of all time, I give you
Morgan's Top Five Worst Fashions of All Time
1. Ankle booties. Not just these. All of them.
2. Pleated front khakis, and their evil step daughter, pleated front capris.
3. Those really long crochet vests. I used to have one when I was 17 and worked at JC Penney. It caught on everything. What was funny about it is that my mom had one at 17 as well, and everytime I put mine on, she would remark about how much she hated them. I didn't understand them, but now I do. Fuck crochet.
4. Crocs. You had to know that was coming.
5. Velour tracksuits, especially brightly colored ones. And the ones with writing across the ass keep me up at night, screaming into the night wind.
Consider yourself scared. Happy Halloween!
Monday, October 22, 2007
Stripper Style
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
The Uniform
Luckily, I have a uniform of sorts--a group of seperates that I can mix and match to create looks that are comfortable, alluring, and pretty thoughtless. They are all things that I know look nice on me, won't wrinkle during the day, and can stand up to the day's torments. Of course, it changes by the season. In the summer, it consists of a knit dress of some sort (usually a black one), wedge flip flops, fun jewelery, and my denim jacket. But for fall, my uniform is a sweater (usually merino and v-neck, and most often from J. Crew, but I do have a black cashmere turtleneck that gets into play quite a bit), opaque tights, a skirt (tweed, corduroy, wool, or even denim), and cute low-heeled shoes. I've determined that I can wear this outfit anywhere, from errands to lessons, and feel confident that I look nice and well, not sick. This morning I got up, and instead of reaching for sweats or something equally as horrible, I pulled out black tights, an ivory wool skirt with a cute trim that I bought at the J.Crew Outlet ages ago, a black cami, my purple merino v-neck, and red ballerina flats. I took my freshly washed hair and pushed it back in a black leather headband. I then added tinted moisturizer, Nars Orgasm blush, DiorShow, and some Bare Escentuals lip gloss. Now, I'm not saying that I looked perfect, but I made it to work without anyone giving me sad looks or asking me if I was ok. This helped me get through the day. What's better is that I can wear something incredibly similar tomorrow and because I have enough things to mix and match, no one will be any the wiser.
What's your uniform? Do you have something you can turn to day after day, no matter how you feel? Let me know in the comments.
Sick Days
But for the time being, here are the things I learned after coming home from work at 1:30 yesterday and spending the rest of the day in bed, watching TV:
1. I have even worse TV tastes than I previously thought.
2. The Red Sox really kind of suck.
3. There is a legless torso that seems to hover on the balcony of the Jerry Springer show, watching the stories of false teeth and drunken debauchery play out. Something tells me I hallucinated it. No offense to the handicapped out there, but that freaked the hell out of me.
4. Law and Order: SVU just doesn't get old.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Knockin' Boots
But it is the memory of trying to slide my chubby calves into my dream boots that one Christmas that keeps me from ordering these right now. See, I've been wanting to get these boots on Piperlime for 2 or 3 weeks now. And I haven't bought them. Even though the website promises me that they are extended calf and that I can get free shipping and returns on them, I'm gun shy. So I'm opening this up to you, my little cream puffs. How many of you ladies also are blessed with the hefty legs and have found awesome boots? Where did you get them? How hot are your legs in them? Does anyone have experience with Naturalizers specifically?
If I do end up ordering these, I'll post pictures of my hot legs in them, for better or worse. You either get to see me busting the zippers (WHOOPS!) or flaunting my cuteness. Either/or.
And if worse comes to worst, I can just write a post about REALLY knockin' boots. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge (and judging from the comments from the last post, you ladies know a few things about getting the men to the sack).
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Bringing the Boys to the Yard
Not the most driven guy on the planet, especially fashion wise. But still. It amazed me. I get up every morning and plan outfits around heels and pencil skirts but he finds me more attractive in my beat up jeans, Merrell mary janes, and $17.49 sweater.
So what gives? Is this specific to my beer swilling, classic rock dancing, Cal football adoring, Russian major dude, or does your man prefer a dressed down look? Or do you have to vamp it up Rock of Love style to get attention?
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Reader Question and a Reference to La Bouche All in One Lovely Package
I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I am visiting a friend in NYC in November. I am having a really hard time finding a top to wear for when we go out dancing. Like I said, I'm young and have a baby so I think the last time I went dancing I still had braces and La Bouche was playing in the school gym. I do 99.9% of my shopping online since I live in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. I am looking for something cute and fun but something I can wear again. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Does anyone want to guess just how happy this email made me? This morning, I am proctoring a test for a bunch of 16 year olds, and let me tell you, I am about done with today's 16 year olds with their iPhones and their carefully choreographed hipster tunics and leggings. But getting this email reminded me of my own teenage experience, and made me so happy. Believe me, I needed it today.
That said, I'm not much a source for this question. When most folks were grooving to Montel Jordan on the gym floor, I was hanging in the bleachers, talking shit about everyone's clothes and debating on whether to let that special someone touch my boob. Some things never change I guess. On the same token, I don't think I've ever been out dancing in a non-school function related way. It's just not really my scene. Now, eating mass quantities of bar food while throwing back some overpriced martini's--totally my scene. Actually having to move after doing it--decidedly not.
So I could be totally off on this, but I'm giving advice anyway, which is probably tantamount to something bad, but whatever. Dance styles could totally involve spandex and day glo socks--I don't know. I do know, however, that when I go out for whatever reason, I want to be comfortable and show some cleavage. So that's what I tried to do with my choices for our friend, who is probably grooving to Be My Lover as we speak.
My first choice is this lovely teal kimono top from BCBGirls. It fulfills my requirements, plus it is a lovely, lovely color that would be sure to get you noticed from across the room. The best thing about this cut? It's terribly forgiving--in fact, my own going out top is a kimono top, and gets me a lot of compliments wherever I wear it. The other thing I love is that you can wear a regular bra under this, and be totally fine (I would probably invest in some fashion tape to make sure the neckline doesn't shimmy along with you). Finally, this is totally wearable again--slap a cami under it and some black trousers, and you can wear it to an office party, or dress up your denim and cami for a night out with your family. The cons on this one? Well, the price for one. It is $98, which is justifiable if you are dedicated to including it in more than one facet in your wardrobe, but is a bit steeper than the other things I found. Also, if you pick this one, make sure to pick up some extra anti-perspirant. Sweat+satin=dancer without a partner.
My next choice is this plunge v-neck (left). Ok, I'm obsessed with this cut. Sorry. This one has the same pluses (nice cut, regular bra), but it is a tad cheaper, and is made of cotton which will breathe with you as you shake it (hence getting rid of the need for industrial size anti-perspirant purchases). This one also goes well with jeans and can work with you in your everyday life. That said, it's a bit more casual so if you're heading to Hyde, I'd go with the satin.
Ok, so enough with these shirts, huh? Sorry...I just thought this one is extra cute (right), and is a good price. It's $42 at Urban Outfitters. And nothing says young hip New York dancer like Urban Outfitters, right? I think it would look excellent with some sparkly gold shoes, creased denim and a long gold chain. And again, you can wear this out with your son and look totally fine.
And on that same note, if you don't have to worry about wearing a regular bra, this cami is a beautiful color and would look great on the dance floor. It is substantial enough so that you don't look like you are wearing your underwear, but bare enough to attract the attention of the folks who buy the drinks. After the dancing, you could wear a blazer over this (I'm thinking a nice black velvet blazer...) and jeans and take it to the movies, or pair it with a cardigan and skirt for a look that's sweet but not too much.
I really hope that helps. I now have the urge to get my groove on. Which is problematic, given that I need to grade PSAT's. Hmmmm.... If you have any advice for our friend, leave em in the comments!
Friday, October 5, 2007
Getting My Life Back
Yes, folks, that's what you get when you Google image search the words "crazy happy." I feel like a midget (I'm pretty sure that's a little person) jumping in a hayfield encompasses my emotions pretty darn well. No more 14 hour days, no more talking a kid down from the ledge with witticisms about how this is not the biggest thing in their life, which may or may not be true. I mean, come on, that's really easy for me to say, given that I did pretty well on the SAT without prep or bothering to take a calculator (seriously, nobody told me. I ended up borrowing one from the guy sitting next to me who had three, and now that I think about it, was probably just doing that to pick up dumb broads). But not one of my students has called bullshit on me this year, which is a victory. A resounding one.
Things Morgan Will Do with the Scads of Extra Time She Has After this Test Date:
1. Watch hella TV.
2. Make this blog even more fantabulous.
3. Make some food that doesn't include a pre-made sauce from Trader Joe's.
4. Be even more fantabulous!
It's interesting though. This test has taught me quite a few things about myself. Numero Uno is that I'm quite a bit more Type A than I thought I was. Numero two is that it is possible to look cute even under scads of pressure and time restraints. The key is to have a comfortable, mix and match wardrobe that you can throw on the back of a chair and put on again without worries. The final thing I've learned is to keep a tube of mascara and some eye makeup remover pads in your purse at all times. Eye makeup that looked lovely at 7:30 in the morning can look like ass at 9:00 at night. Swipe it off, layer it full of mascara (I've been using Benefit Bad Gal), and you look fresh in about one minute flat!
Finally, the last thing I've learned is not from my life as a stressed out tutor, but rather from Rock of Love, which I somehow managed to watch, despite my hectic schedule. The fact that I learned will guide my life and all future decisions I make. The girl with the big hair and the stripper dress does not always get the man. Isn't that something that we should all remember?
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Two Things I'm Unhealthily Obsessed With
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
The Great Legging Debate
I adore that. Absolutely love it. You can't tell from this picture, but the necklace is actually this bomb diggity fleur de lis, and if you know me in real life, you know that I'm a big fan of Marie Antoinette (not the movie--the historical figure) and all things vaguely French revolution. So this outfit is perfect for me on many stands. That said, it would probably make me look like a potato. A potato that's been left in the bin too long and has those really long stalks coming out of it. And when I buy an outfit, I tend to think, "If this makes me look like produce, I'm not all about it." So this is most likely out. But I still love it, and part of that is because of the leggings.
However, on the flip side of this argument are these lovely outfits my mother used to buy me at the Parks Belk in Norton that were basically comprised of hugely floral printed cotton leggings with an enormous, heavy cotton cabeled turtleneck sweater with matching rose print. I had two of them, and they were the first things that I got out of the junior's department. I thought they were the most damn fashionable things in the world. I wore them to a dance competition in Nashville, and walked around with a look of smug superiority that clearly said, "All you bitches better STEP." Interestingly enough, they were pretty much the same premise as this outfit that I love now. It leaves me in a bit of an fashionable existential quandry: Leggings--should they be or not be? Isn't that the question?
So what do you think? Do you heart the footless tights? Or do you despise them? Feel free to rant/rave or just show your blatant love for me either in an email or in the comments.