"Go get your own." Oh, suck it, Jessica Alba.

Normally, I would start this post off talking about how horrible I am for not blogging recently, and how I implore you for forgiveness, and yada yada yada. But you know what? I'm turning over a new leaf. Yeah, I didn't blog for a while. What you got to say about it? Let's leave it at that.

Ok, so in the whole cosmic order of celebrity, I definitely have a pecking order of coolness and stylish awesomeness. At the very top of that illustrious list is Dita von Teese, whose pencil skirts make me weak in the knees. For totally different and perhaps less shallow reasons, I also love Drew Barrymore's quirkiness and fun "Let's go to Sephora and try on all the eyeshadows and then hang out near the arcade and flirt with all the nerds!" attitude (I am clearly just imagining what Drew is like--maybe she's not into this stuff, but in my mind, this is what we do on a random Saturday night together). However, on the other side of that spectrum, we have Miss Jessica Alba. I don't like her. She always looks like she's sucking on a big ole lemon. And yeah, I know I probably wouldn't be the picture of happiness if someone was trying to snap my picture while I bought my groceries, but seriously, Jessica. Don't you think you can slap on a smile while you're on the red carpet? I don't know. I just don't like her. Call me a bitch, call me mean, but whatevs. I'm not a fan.

So I should have known not to buy Revlon's sorta kinda new Custom Creations foundation given that Jessica Alba is the star of the commercial and ends it with a rather grouchy sounding, "I've got my shade. Now go get your own." I know the tone is supposed to be all, "Alright ladies! Go get you some of this awesome stuff," but with Jessica's overall sourpuss attitude (and maybe I'm just looking waaaaaaay too much into this), it comes across as "Hands off, whore. Get your own or I'll cut you." That should have been the point where I said, "Ok, I'm not going to buy that stuff, at least until someone really comes and gives me a really good reason to do so."

But of course you know what happened. I saw it in InStyle, and I bought it because it was supposed to "revolutionary" and because I'm gullible and somewhat stupid. I brought it home with all the highest hopes that it would revolutionize how I do my make up. I (at least for the last 6 months or so) have been using BareMinerals, and while I kinda like the effect it has on my skin, sometimes I feel like I don't have enough on, and it's really really messy for someone like me who stumbles into her bathroom in the morning and knocks all the crap around whilst yelling at her family to "GET READY! WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!," knowing all the while that I'm the only reason that we would really end up being late. A liquid foundation seemed more like what I would need for those mornings--easy to blend, not spillable, able to be put on in the car if that was necessitated. I was especially excited about the customization of this foundation as well because we are happening up onto spring, the time of year when due to baseball and outdoor beer drinking of many kinds, my face morphs from paper white to slightly ecru. I can buy one bottle and save myself from having to buy another one in a couple of months! Score!

I'm just going to come out and say that this is not what happened. Yes, this foundation is customizable, and yes, that is a fairly easy process that feels fun--you're picking your own skintone! How posh! But this foundation BLOWS. Like seriously. When I first thought about writing this (like the first time I put this on), I thought I would write that the customization process is fun, but that the actual foundation, while matching perfectly, is pretty much just a cheap foundation. It's just pretty meh. Nothing really special, just a servicable foundation on the cheap. Cause that's pretty much what it is. It's probably equivalent to whatever CoverGirl is shilling these days. If you're going for drugstore beauty, it's an ok option, but probably doesn't live up to the sheer spreadability (God, that sounds like either a butter ad or a porno, and I'm disturbed that it could be both) of L'Oreal True Match. Ok, so that is what I was going to say, before I wore this stuff for a couple of weeks. This is what I have to say now:

THIS STUFF TURNED ME INTO A TICKETY TACK TRANNY MESS WITH AN ACNE PROBLEM. EMPHASIS ON THE ACNE PROBLEM.

Seriously. About a couple of weeks after I started using this, I noticed that the bumps I had on my chin from what I though were female hormone monthly issues were not going away when they should have been. In fact, they were just getting worse. Like 14 year old boy worse. Like I had nasty zits with white stuff in them on my chin. FOR REALS. Now, I haven't had those in a while, at least not long term, and definitely not in a cluster. These were clustering. It was bad. I , of course, at first blamed myself. I had gone to bed a couple of nights without taking my make up off, and while this isn't totally unusual for me, I figured it was finally starting to catch up with me. I made an extra special plan to wash up really well for the next little bit and get rid of the things. I stopped using my moisturizer on my chin. I spritzed the absolute hell out of my face with Bioelements Equalizer. I used my favorite Queen Helene Mint Julep masque. But nothing seemed to phase these little beasts. The ones I got rid of came right back. I was about to fully freak out and go to the doctor about them. Some of the little buggers HURT. Seriously.

And then I remembered that I had changed foundations right before they started. I still didn't finger the foundation as the culprit, but I gave myself a couple of days using only Neutrogena Healthy Skin tinted moisturizer. The bumps started to dissipate. I went back to using BareMinerals. They were gone. Now, I'm no scientist, but I'm thinking it was the foundation. Wouldn't you come to the same conclusion?

Now, I don't want to just blast this product which may in fact be wonderful for any other woman. Maybe I had some sort of allergic reaction? I kinda doubt it--these were full on zits--but if you want to read it that way, that's fine too. But, at least from my experience, I'd save my money and put it towards a higher priced foundation if I were a foundation seeking shopper. Foundation is one thing that I have always felt the need to splurge a bit on, and this right here (along with availability of shades) is the main reason why I would do it. Even if you're looking for a foundation on the cheap, I've found that L'Oreal is a much better option.

Think of it as sticking it to Jessica Alba, and it kinda makes the whole thing a bit more fun. Don't you think?