The Dilemma of New Jeans

When the going gets tough, the tough buy new jeans. Let's just say that it's time for me to buy some new pants. Although they are notoriously hard to fit, and can make you feel like refried crap while going through the process of shopping for them, nothing really lifts my spirits like a new pair of go anywhere-do anything pants. Especially if they make me feel small and cute and flirty. And the best pairs definitely do.

The problem is there are so many options, and these options go beyond flare leg or boot cut leg. My main problem is whether to buy an expensive, "investment" pair that I will baby and line dry and wash in Woolite every night, or cheaper, "I'll buy another pair in a couple of months" pants. I don't wear jeans that often because I work in a non-jeans environment, however, I would like to have a pair of go-to pants.

Therefore, I have been checking one of my favorite work day distractions: nordstrom.com. Nordstrom has this bombastic jeans finder thing, where you put in all this information and it pops out your perfect pants, and if you're feeling spry and like you need entertainment, some damn funny pants. And that is, of course, when I came upon these beauties:

Now, before you come and feel my head and ask me if I'm feeling feverish, I'll tell you that I hate these pants. They're the devil. You're looking at high waisted, tapered leg, Mom jeans. It kinda makes you throw up a little in your mouth, huh? You know what's going to make you full on upchuck? These pants cost $130. These are $130 Mom jeans. This totally shocks and awes me. I mean, how rich and stupid do you have to be to be like, "Oh, ok. Perhaps I can spend $130 to look like my crotch is roughly three feet long." Lord. Generally, when you tell me that I'm looking at over $100 jeans, I expect to see flattering, dark denim boot cut things with some kind of whiskering and premium-ness. Not. This.

So after finding this, being revolted, and deciding to write a post describing my feelings upon finding these (this blog is very therapeutic, by the way), I realized that a high waist is actually kind of "the style." Glamour this month has a whole long pictorial thing about copying the style of Annie Hall, and while I'm all for it because I heart Woody Allen with all the fiber of my being, I kinda threw up in my mouth a little then, too. Especially when I saw that they had actually bothered to print that high waisted pants are flattering because they disguise your muffin top. Ok, you know that sound that they play on the Price is Right when someone uses all their chips and still only drops it in the 0 holder in the Plinko board? That "Whah whah whah..." sound? Ok, I'm making that right now. High waisted pants look good on no one. NO ONE. To prove that point, take a look at Mischa Barton, who is taller, thinner, and whinier than you:

No offense to the OC, but Mischa looks WRETCHED here. She has faux saddlebags. FAUX SADDLEBAGS. She looks like a deranged farm hand. See what these pants do? Now, imagine if she had some boobs too, and how they would lay on her waistband. God, I'm seriously making myself sick with this post...

So, all that said, here's the story: Morgan wants new pants. However, she will not be buying high waisted ones. She encourages you to do the same.