Fit Fashion, and a Short Anniversary Shout Out to My Favorite Accessory, Matt

I have so many things to write about, not the least of which is the fact that today is my second wedding anniversary! Yea for me! Yea for Matt! Yea for the fact that he hasn't murdered me with a stiletto heel yet! Not that my husband would ever read this (when I mention that I have a fashion blog, he usually rolls his eyes and grumbles), but if by some miracle he does (or, more likely, I instruct him to read it), HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MATT! I have very few of the clothes that I had two years ago, but I still have you, and you're always in style! Well, sort of. When you're wearing pants that fasten at the waist--no, wait, that's not how I meant this. I meant this a I'll have you forever and ever, and our love is always fashionable! Yea! And your hair is always cool too! Love you! (In honor of my anniversary, I am wearing a 50's house-frau dress that is dotted with swiss dots and a navy blue cardigan. I'll bet Matt is wearing his pajamas.)

Ok, now that I've forced any single readers that I may have to go heave up their mid-morning snack, I will get to the less ooey-gooey subject of my post. I need to get fit. I would say "lose weight" there, because I need to do that too, but mostly, I don't want to lose weight so much as I don't want to DIE. Last night, I was going through my routine of painting my toenails, applying hand cream and dousing myself with body oil, and I happened to flip away from Fast Times at Ridgemont High during a commercial and I found myself face to face with this: a TV series entitled "Inside Brookehaven Obesity Clinic." Holy sweet mother of god, Jesus, all the saints and James Bond. I'm not sure why I kept watching it, but I did. Well, I guess watching is not the correct word--it was more like me sitting there with my mouth wide open, not moving, and breathing funnily. There were all these people who were bed bound because of their weight. Bedbound (which kinda sounds like a cute movie featuring a couple of dogs who are trying to find the bed their owner threw out during a cleaning marathon, but it's so, so, so not)!!! So, being as how I would never in a million years consider myself to be a fit person and, moreover, love fried foods and sugar as much as the next person AND there is a history of diabetes and chubbiness in my family, I immediately wanted to take a handful of laxatives, stick a hanger down my throat, and listen to The Carpenters while I wait on the fatness to subside.

But instead of resorting to such Lohan-esque tactics, I have decided to be a bit more sane about the whole process. A friend has offered me a 7 day trial at her gym (where they have DirectTV on the treadmills---oooooo, appealing to my lazy ass!), I have found a whole bunch of Shape magazines that were hiding under my bed beside some body butter and a three lost earrings, and I am eating lunch that I brought from home, not one of the super burritos from El Mocajete. In order to inspire myself further (which I mean, really, what more do I need after seeing someone hold up their fat rolls so their lady parts can be cleaned?), I am looking at fashionable gym wear.

Step in lululemon.com...

This stuff is actually cute, and no, I can't afford fancy gym clothes when a) I've never even been to the gym and b) I have plenty of yoga pants and David Bowie t-shirts to wear if I ever go, but if I could afford it and had no David Bowie t-shirts, I would buy these. Even despite my inability to pay for it, it is inspiring just to know that fashionable gym clothes exist, and were I rich but still chubby, these would be available. Perhaps it is something to shoot for--if I become a gym maven, I may indulge myself with something similar.

And if I don't, I can just wear a bed sheet as they bust out the walls to take my enlarged 700 pound frame to the doctor.

But just know, that even if that happens, and I am carried with a crane to a clinic where I will be poked, prodded, and put on The Learning Channel for all to see, I will still be wearing lipgloss, and making fun of all the nurses' clothes.