The Ten Commandments of Summer Styling

Frankly I have no reason to be writing this guide, other than the fact that it is Friday, and all I have been doing today is looking at food blogs and watching my boss make funny faces as she tries to read the fineprint on some architectural renderings of our new campus. After all, it is freaking cold in the Bay Area this time of year, not hot as it is in the rest of the country. Today I am wearing a black boatneck sweater (surprise, surprise), denim trousers, and just because I am wishing for VA summer, black leather heeled flops. Definitely not your typical summer attire.

But I remember well the humidity of the east coast, the way that my hair would curl like a Hasidic Jew's right about my temples, the way that my clothes would hang after just a few moments of sweat inducing pseudo-air. So of course I'm an authority on all of this. And also because some co-workers of mine are going to be forced to go to Dallas, TX in July where they will have to perform musical numbers and listen to people talk about uninteresting things. So I'm feeling they probably need my input. Most everyone does.

So here you have it:

1) Thou shalt not wear spaghetti straps without thine strapless bra, unless of course thine is a 32A. Thine peers do not want to see thine nips. Further, thou shalt never wear spaghetti straps to work, nor to a conference in which thou is supposed to look professional.

2) Thou should not style thine hair with intricate bangs if going to a humid environment. It. Will. Look. Like. Crap. within about 5 seconds of contact with humid air. And thou will look like a fool. Thou shalt let the hair relax, and do what it pleases. Most importantly, thou shalt get a cut that allows this. Then thou shalt visit the oracle of Frederic Fekkai.

3) Thou shalt embrace the t-shirt dress, and thou shalt wear it often, even while performing Aretha Franklin's "Respect" with thine overweight boss.

4) Thou shalt not refuse to wear the white pants, even if thine behind is larger than thou would like. Nothing looks fresher in the summer than the white pants. Just make sure that thine pants are made of a sturdy material (twill, denim, tropical wool), and that thou cannot see thine thong.

5) Thou shalt wear a swimsuit, even if thou is a curvy lady. Don't wear clothes to the beach--even if thou uses a crane as thine major mode of transport. When thine loyal blog writer sees a lady in clothing at the beach and no swimsuit, thine loyal blog writer feels sorry for the fat lady. Thine loyal blog writer does not notice ladies at the beach in swimsuits, especially if they look to be having fun, and are not showing the ta-ta's. Do however, invest in a swimsuit. If thine is chubby, the triangle tops at Target just won't cut thine mustard.

6) Thou shalt not wear the denim shorts. Not. Ever.

7) Thou husband/boyfriend shalt not ever wear the short sleeved dress shirt or the pleated khaki shorts. That's a divorceable offense.

8) Thou shalt not wear a white button up shirt on a hot day. Thou will sweat, and thine peers will see. And thine peers will cry for you.

9) Thou shalt wear the accessories, for they add style without adding heat.

10) Thou shalt not wear anything skin-tight. Those are hot clothes, and by hot clothes I don't mean the sexy clothes. I mean hot-flaming-I-am-sweating-like-a-Trojan-get-this-thing-off-of me clothes. Thou shalt also not wear the synthetic fabrics. It's called cotton people--look it up. Loose, flowy things, when paired with more structured things makes thine look cool, refreshed and not like a cheap whore. And that's important. Dost thou agree?