WWTS?

If you're like me, you spend the bulk of your days pretending you're on America's Next Top Model. You endeavor to not lose your neck while you're typing blog entries and talking to 16 year olds. You think of passive aggressive things to say to your co-workers, such as "Is that make-up making you break out?" (genius, I say). You regularly turn shoots out. Sometimes you talk to little orange men.

But most of all, you spend time wondering what Tyra Banks would say about any and all of your daily happenings. Would Tyra put cinnamon in her coffee? Probably, and she'd probably throw in BBQ rib or two. Would Tyra like the new jeans that I wore today that I'm a little on the fence about? Maybe, but she would ask me to pair it with a tank top and next time pull my hair back from my face. Model basics! Would Tyra recycle this frappucino bottle? Definitely! It's all about going green (and undoing the massive damage that eight seasons of top models riding around in gas guzzling stretch Hummers has done to Mother Earth).

When I saw these pictures, I put all my wondering to rest. I know exactly what Tyra would say.

Tyra: Let's see your best shot. Ok, Jenny, this is a little strange. You look a little uncomfortable here. The face is ok, but you really need to work on the body. Maybe try some poses in the mirror. This is a little men's magazine-ish. For a shot for women, I like to hunch my shoulders. See how I do this?

Jenny: Well, I was a little uncomfortable. I was afraid you could see my va-jay-jay. See, this dress is really short--it should really be a shirt, but instead they're marketing it as a dress. And they're charging $298 for it. That's kind of insane, don't you think?

Tyra: EXCUSES! You have not earned the ability to make excuses. You pay your dues, you can make excuses. I have paid my dues, so when I make excuses about why the button flew off my too-tight, sausage skin of a dress and blinded Twiggy, it is ok. We believed in you! I belived in you! Don't make these excuses. Thank you, Jenny.

Tyra: Let's see your best shot. Melissa. This is probably one of the worst shots in the bunch. Remember your face, Melissa. Your eyes are dead. You have to smile with your eyes. See? I'm smiling with my eyes. Now I'm not. See the difference.

Melissa: Yes, I see the difference. You are so wise.

Tyra: Melissa, Mr. Jay said that at the shoot you were uninspired and speaking Latin in a deep voice. He said you were incredibly hard to manage, and spit a slurry of green fluids at Sutan.

Melissa: I'm pretty sure that I was possessed by the devil at the time. Just look at my eyes! It all started when I put on that hideous red sack dress, that probably should also just be a really loose tunic, but is instead being marketing as a dress.

Tyra: Melissa, I did the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue when I had mononucleosis and scurvy simultaneously. I felt awful, but I turned it out. That's what this industry is. You have to work no matter how bad you feel. Dead eyes, Melissa. Don't let it happen again. Thank you, Melissa.

*If you would like to purchase either of these abominations, they are available at dillards.com. I would recommend some tights, a rosary and perhaps Ken Paves created sub-par weave to finish the look. Fierce!