Reader Question and a Reference to La Bouche All in One Lovely Package

This morning I received this inquiry in my email:
I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I am visiting a friend in NYC in November. I am having a really hard time finding a top to wear for when we go out dancing. Like I said, I'm young and have a baby so I think the last time I went dancing I still had braces and La Bouche was playing in the school gym. I do 99.9% of my shopping online since I live in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. I am looking for something cute and fun but something I can wear again. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Does anyone want to guess just how happy this email made me? This morning, I am proctoring a test for a bunch of 16 year olds, and let me tell you, I am about done with today's 16 year olds with their iPhones and their carefully choreographed hipster tunics and leggings. But getting this email reminded me of my own teenage experience, and made me so happy. Believe me, I needed it today.

That said, I'm not much a source for this question. When most folks were grooving to Montel Jordan on the gym floor, I was hanging in the bleachers, talking shit about everyone's clothes and debating on whether to let that special someone touch my boob. Some things never change I guess. On the same token, I don't think I've ever been out dancing in a non-school function related way. It's just not really my scene. Now, eating mass quantities of bar food while throwing back some overpriced martini's--totally my scene. Actually having to move after doing it--decidedly not.

So I could be totally off on this, but I'm giving advice anyway, which is probably tantamount to something bad, but whatever. Dance styles could totally involve spandex and day glo socks--I don't know. I do know, however, that when I go out for whatever reason, I want to be comfortable and show some cleavage. So that's what I tried to do with my choices for our friend, who is probably grooving to Be My Lover as we speak.

My first choice is this lovely teal kimono top from BCBGirls. It fulfills my requirements, plus it is a lovely, lovely color that would be sure to get you noticed from across the room. The best thing about this cut? It's terribly forgiving--in fact, my own going out top is a kimono top, and gets me a lot of compliments wherever I wear it. The other thing I love is that you can wear a regular bra under this, and be totally fine (I would probably invest in some fashion tape to make sure the neckline doesn't shimmy along with you). Finally, this is totally wearable again--slap a cami under it and some black trousers, and you can wear it to an office party, or dress up your denim and cami for a night out with your family. The cons on this one? Well, the price for one. It is $98, which is justifiable if you are dedicated to including it in more than one facet in your wardrobe, but is a bit steeper than the other things I found. Also, if you pick this one, make sure to pick up some extra anti-perspirant. Sweat+satin=dancer without a partner.

My next choice is this plunge v-neck (left). Ok, I'm obsessed with this cut. Sorry. This one has the same pluses (nice cut, regular bra), but it is a tad cheaper, and is made of cotton which will breathe with you as you shake it (hence getting rid of the need for industrial size anti-perspirant purchases). This one also goes well with jeans and can work with you in your everyday life. That said, it's a bit more casual so if you're heading to Hyde, I'd go with the satin.

Ok, so enough with these shirts, huh? Sorry...I just thought this one is extra cute (right), and is a good price. It's $42 at Urban Outfitters. And nothing says young hip New York dancer like Urban Outfitters, right? I think it would look excellent with some sparkly gold shoes, creased denim and a long gold chain. And again, you can wear this out with your son and look totally fine.

And on that same note, if you don't have to worry about wearing a regular bra, this cami is a beautiful color and would look great on the dance floor. It is substantial enough so that you don't look like you are wearing your underwear, but bare enough to attract the attention of the folks who buy the drinks. After the dancing, you could wear a blazer over this (I'm thinking a nice black velvet blazer...) and jeans and take it to the movies, or pair it with a cardigan and skirt for a look that's sweet but not too much.

I really hope that helps. I now have the urge to get my groove on. Which is problematic, given that I need to grade PSAT's. Hmmmm.... If you have any advice for our friend, leave em in the comments!

Getting My Life Back

Tomorrow is the October 6 SAT, i.e., the biggest test date of the year for stressed out seniors. Would you like to guess how that makes me feel?

Yes, folks, that's what you get when you Google image search the words "crazy happy." I feel like a midget (I'm pretty sure that's a little person) jumping in a hayfield encompasses my emotions pretty darn well. No more 14 hour days, no more talking a kid down from the ledge with witticisms about how this is not the biggest thing in their life, which may or may not be true. I mean, come on, that's really easy for me to say, given that I did pretty well on the SAT without prep or bothering to take a calculator (seriously, nobody told me. I ended up borrowing one from the guy sitting next to me who had three, and now that I think about it, was probably just doing that to pick up dumb broads). But not one of my students has called bullshit on me this year, which is a victory. A resounding one.

Things Morgan Will Do with the Scads of Extra Time She Has After this Test Date:

1. Watch hella TV.

2. Make this blog even more fantabulous.

3. Make some food that doesn't include a pre-made sauce from Trader Joe's.

4. Be even more fantabulous!

It's interesting though. This test has taught me quite a few things about myself. Numero Uno is that I'm quite a bit more Type A than I thought I was. Numero two is that it is possible to look cute even under scads of pressure and time restraints. The key is to have a comfortable, mix and match wardrobe that you can throw on the back of a chair and put on again without worries. The final thing I've learned is to keep a tube of mascara and some eye makeup remover pads in your purse at all times. Eye makeup that looked lovely at 7:30 in the morning can look like ass at 9:00 at night. Swipe it off, layer it full of mascara (I've been using Benefit Bad Gal), and you look fresh in about one minute flat!

Finally, the last thing I've learned is not from my life as a stressed out tutor, but rather from Rock of Love, which I somehow managed to watch, despite my hectic schedule. The fact that I learned will guide my life and all future decisions I make. The girl with the big hair and the stripper dress does not always get the man. Isn't that something that we should all remember?

Two Things I'm Unhealthily Obsessed With

One thing you should know about me is that I get OBSESSED with something for a few short days (or weeks), and then quickly forget about it and go on with my life in a way that never pays homage to whatever I was obsessed with. For example, I was once really obsessed with becoming a high school English teacher in the inner city. I think this came from seeing the Gangsta's Paradise video one night on VH1 while I was try to read The Areopagitica. It all seemed to make sense in some Miltonian way. Whatever. This caused me to quickly apply for the education program, have an interview, get in, and then a week later decide that it wasn't such a good idea and beg to be let out again, a request I was only granted when I had cried in two different faculty members' offices. Another time, as a kid, I got obsessed with days of the week underwear and hair bands. I spent two weeks painfully matching every outfit to my panties and hair accessories (or, rather, getting my mom to painfully match every outfit to my panties and hair accessories), and then, just when I had procured enough magenta and turquoise clothing to get me through a couple of weeks, forgot about it.

Well, I'm sure these two obsessions will totally NOT be that way, because my love for them is true and fine. It is the kind of love that Romeo had for Juliet, that Joanie had for Chachi, that Bret Michaels has for bandanas (seriously, what is under that thing? My money is on a third nipple or a rogue extra penis, but I really can't be sure). I love them with every fiber of my being.

The first thing is this Gap dress. I bought a vamp red (that's Gap's name for it--it's really more like a burgundy) version in my local Gap when I went to buy my son some shoes. It was super on sale--down to $29.99. Of course, I couldn't pass it up. And of course, my husband was not feeling my new Gap induced hotness, so I resorted to the old standby-- Woops! How'd that get in the back of the car, honey? I surely wouldn't be buying new clothes! Anyway, I wore it the next day to The Jungle, which is this Norcal version of Chuckie Cheese where I took Sam for his birthday. I was super comfortable, and looked hella better than all of the other mom's there trolling around in nasty khakis and polo shirts. After I came home, I took off the dress, threw it on the back of my desk chair, and forgot about it. Then, this morning, I had a 7:30 lesson, followed soon by four more lessons, so I reached for the dress again. Even after being left on the back of my chair for a few days, it was unwrinkled and looked fabu. I put it on with a cami underneath, a long necklace, and peep toe pumps. It was totally cute, and I got all kinds of compliments. So now I'm ordering the grey one. Grey is not usually a color I turn to, but I'm thinking with some cabeled tights and boots... I'm pretty stoked about it. Even if it turns out to be not as awesome as my red one, it will still be a comfortable and classy choice for busy days.

The second thing I'm obsessed with is MAC Viva Glam IV Lipglass. Now, I've been meaning to buy this stuff for a while because the ads are cool (I love me some good marketing!) and the cause is better (every cent goes to AIDS research). But I had no idea it would look this awesome on me. Viva Glam IV is a warm plum shade with a pearl finish that is perfect for fall. Granted, I'm not Dita Von Teese...but seriously, folks. I love this stuff. I usually oscillate between the 47 or so random lip glosses that live in the bottom of my purse, but these last few days, I've been dipping into my Viva Glam exclusively.

So what are you currently obsessed with? Anything monopolizing all of your time/thoughts/love?

The Great Legging Debate

Ok, it is 7:08 here, and I'm up blogging. I'm always up at this time, but usually I'm doing my strippercise and eating mass quantities of yogurt. Not typing missives on my super loud keyboard that will probably wake up every child within a 100 yards. So why am I up patiently tapping away? Because I want to know what you, my loyal readers, think about leggings. And footless tights. Because they're basically the same--the second is just a marketing ploy for people who have bad coke flashbacks about the 80's (note: can one have a coke flashback? Probably need to get Lohan on this one.) ANYWAY, I am going to admit here that I absolutely, wholeheartedly love them. In fact, I think I'm going to wear them today with a red shirtdress and gold flats. I think they are fresh, cute, and stylish. And I would sell away a child to have this outfit (and have it look good on me):

I adore that. Absolutely love it. You can't tell from this picture, but the necklace is actually this bomb diggity fleur de lis, and if you know me in real life, you know that I'm a big fan of Marie Antoinette (not the movie--the historical figure) and all things vaguely French revolution. So this outfit is perfect for me on many stands. That said, it would probably make me look like a potato. A potato that's been left in the bin too long and has those really long stalks coming out of it. And when I buy an outfit, I tend to think, "If this makes me look like produce, I'm not all about it." So this is most likely out. But I still love it, and part of that is because of the leggings.

However, on the flip side of this argument are these lovely outfits my mother used to buy me at the Parks Belk in Norton that were basically comprised of hugely floral printed cotton leggings with an enormous, heavy cotton cabeled turtleneck sweater with matching rose print. I had two of them, and they were the first things that I got out of the junior's department. I thought they were the most damn fashionable things in the world. I wore them to a dance competition in Nashville, and walked around with a look of smug superiority that clearly said, "All you bitches better STEP." Interestingly enough, they were pretty much the same premise as this outfit that I love now. It leaves me in a bit of an fashionable existential quandry: Leggings--should they be or not be? Isn't that the question?

So what do you think? Do you heart the footless tights? Or do you despise them? Feel free to rant/rave or just show your blatant love for me either in an email or in the comments.

Show Me Your Raging Love!

A commenter has brought it to my attention that I now have 4.7 readers rather than 3.7. Awesome! Because I want to be conscious of just how mindblowingly popular I'm really getting, I have created two new ways to get in touch with me. One is a new email address where you may send all of your fashion related questions: cultoftheblacksweater@gmail.com. You can also now click on the Myspace link below and go directly to my profile, where you can ask me to be your friend. Do that. I want more friends. I would also like to know if my 4.7 readers are people I might soon see on To Catch a Predator. To make it even easier, here's that link now: Morgan's profile.

Have a good day, my little truffles. I have to tutor today, but I'll be back tomorrow (hopefully) with a couple of product reviews (recent trip to MAC!) and more of the fashion stuff you've grown to love. Admit it: you love it a little. Just a little? Just an eensy weensy bit?

An Open Letter to Old Navy from Morgan's Ass

Dear Old Navy,

I know you probably don't get many letters from butts, so I'll try to make this as clear and concise as possible. Here's the thing: what's up with your pants, Old Navy? Morgan has this black pair of cropped pants in a trouser material with a very faint pintstripe that she thinks are totally adorable on her, and I guess in some way they are. They are the only cropped pants I've seen on her that actually end where they are supposed to--i.e., they do not scrape her ankle (Morgan is very short, you see). Plus, the legs are kind of narrow, in a cigarette style way, but they are not tight, and they manage to make her legs look really nice. Maybe it's the pinstriping? I don't know; I digress. The thing is, Old Navy, these pants are super cute. But the problem is, she can't seem to remember that every time she wears them she ends up exposing me to all the world, including the 17 year old boys she spends her days catering to. Isn't that sad, Old Navy? She puts them on, we're both happy, and then half way through the day, the bottom falls out (pun intended). She spends the rest of the day yanking them up, and I spend the rest of the day hiding from the sideways glances from said 17 year old boys.

I write you, Old Navy, because I want you to do something about it. I'm imagining that I am not the only ass betrayed by your pants. I imagine this is a problem that exists, in part, because you refuse to believe that we asses exist. You see, women's asses suffer a sad plight in American fashion. All of you clothing manufacturers seem to think we are more akin to the Loch Ness monster than any other part of the body--one guy spotted one of us once, snapped a picture, but it's been debatable whether we're actually out there or not. I'm writing this letter to tell you that we are out here. Women have butts. Women have nice curvy butts that jut out of the back of their jeans, and entice men (it's one of the myriad ways Morgan attracted her husband, and she has a black Gap skirt suit to thank for it). Sienna Miller may not have a butt, Paris Hilton may not be blessed with an ass, but Real Women do. And I think it's about time you bitches started accounting for that. We, the asses of the world, demand pants that cover us, love us, and define us. We want to be loved, appreciated and flattered, not shoved into the corner like a hideous fairisle sweater (natch). We demand it.

Oh, and Morgan said to tell you that she's actually quite impressed with your new denim line--she's heard lots of things about it. She hasn't bought anything from you (save some tank tops) in quite a while. Clean up your act, and I'll think about letting her go there and buy some more.

Best regards,

Jeanie P. Winchester

aka, Morgan's Butt

A Little About Me...

I just received a comment to my Britney post, and while I felt like some of it was pretty spot on (I agree that both in the post and in my personal life, I fall into some of the same stereotypical thinking and skewed assumptions that fueled my vitriol about Britney's situation), I realized there are some things/misconceptions that I should probably speak a bit about on here. And because I'm trying to stay away from all sorts of work at the moment (like, say, lesson notes for the past week), here you have it: all kinds of things you probably never wanted to know about me.

1. I am a working mom, with kids aged 8 and (almost) 4. My daughter is a very active third grader who plays soccer, is on student council, and takes creative writing classes. My son is...a typical four year old boy. He makes a mess just about everywhere he goes, he is constantly on the go, and has the ability to stay up for incredibly long hours before finally conking out in a pool of blankets and sweat. Did I mention how much this kid eats? No? It's uncanny. I work for a small company that does test prep (SAT, ACT, SAT II's, etc.); I work in the office during the days and teach one on one lessons at night. I generally start work at 9:00 after dropping the kids off, and have lessons until 7:00 (unless, of course, it's tonight when I'll be going until 10:30! Lord, I can't wait until the October 6 SAT!). I am a very busy girl, but I like being like that--I don't think I would change it if I could. Because of this rather harried lifestyle, I hardly ever go shopping "in person" unless I'm heading to GapKids or Old Navy or something. Most, if not all, of my shopping is done online. I am lucky in that I know what size I am, and am pretty good about returning things if they don't fit the way I like.

2. I am not small. I am between a 12 and 14 (probably more towards the 14 side), depending on where I shop. That said, I don't despise my body. In fact, I think I'm pretty sexy about 80% of the time. My body is what it is. Yeah, I'd probably like to be smaller, but I'm not, so I don't care. I love to cook and eat a range of yummy foods, and I wouldn't change that for anything. My son and I share quality time baking together, so in my eyes, the extra pounds are well worth it. I do work out mostly every morning, and feel like I am in pretty good shape for my size and age. (My work outs are all strippercise and from The S Factor by Sheila Kelly-- I would recommend this to anyone. My husband recently bought me a pole, and let me tell you, nothing works your upper arm wobblies like pole work!). Anytime I talk about clothing that I like or have bought, you should imagine it on my body--a real woman's body.

3. I do not have a ton of money. Yes, I work hard, and make good money for what I do. But I live in the Bay Area, and honey, it ain't cheap. Plus, I did mention how much my son eats.... I do not spend a lot of money on clothes--in fact, I probably spend less than a lot of women I know. I scope out sales, I use hella coupon codes, and yes, I do focus on quality rather than on quantity. No, that doesn't mean that I'll drop $800 on heels because I think they are good quality. To me, quality can come from lots of places, but it's all in the texture, the stitching, the way a garment hangs. I have bought quality items at Target, and I have bought quality items at Nordstrom. I buy very few trends, and I research items before I buy them to make sure I'm getting what I want. That's not to say that I'm a perfect shopping robot--I do make some big mistakes. Case number 1: the frilly front shirt I bought (on sale) from J.Crew last year. I put it on, and my husband said "Oh, so are we dressing as our favorite Seinfeld episodes today? Because I have that "Master of My Domain" shirt." Seriously. But overall, I do quite well for what I have.

All that is part of the reason I write this blog. I am tired of looking at fashion magazines and feeling like shit because I'm chubby and don't have $400 sitting around that I can spend on a scarf. I like reading other blogs (like the ones on the side of this page) that are about women who are in similar predicaments and who are, above all, real. I want to live in a world where fashion is fun for everyone, not just a select few who have spent the last year smoking a cigarette for lunch and squeezing the buttons shut on a Rachel Roy dress.

Further, another reason I write this blog is because I believe that we can all do better with ourselves, myself included. Sometimes, before I buy something, I think about this blog and what my 3.7 readers would have to say about me buying another black long-sleeved t-shirt. Boring, they would say. For God's sake, Morgan, they would yell, eyes rolling. I want my readers to have that voice inside their head too. Maybe it could be...my voice (if it is my voice, make sure it has a drawl...I have a decidedly Southern twang). Maybe when you get up in the morning, and reach for those misshapen khakis, you could say to yourself, "Wow... I could really feel better about myself today if I took the 3.2 extra seconds and put on a skirt." And maybe it could be because you read this blog. I don't know. Like I said, I'm not perfect, I'm not even a good fashion role model. But I do think that we all deserve, no matter what size we are, no matter how much money we have in the bank (or don't have, in my case--thank god for payday tomorrow) to participate in fashion and let ourselves look as good as possible. Really, there's no good excuse for not looking your best. And I hope that if I do anything with this blog (other than waste my own time), it's to get you to think about that.