Let's Talk About Shorts, Baby

Ever since I was a small child, I have had a hatred for shorts. This was, of course, in direct opposition to my mother who LOVES shorts, and probably wants to be buried in the things. She would always beg me to wear them, would buy them for me when I caved, and then would lecture me endlessly when I refused to wear them. Why didn't I like them, she would ask. "You have such "shapely" legs," she would say.

Sorry Mom, but I believe the word you are looking for to replace shapely would be "ginormous." Partly because of hereditary (thanks, family) and partly because I took dance classes for more than a decade, I have some hefty legs. That's not to say that my legs are not strong--I don't know if I could break boards with them, but I'm sure I'm pretty damn close. Even to this day with my office job and other signs of an at-times sedentary lifestyle, my calves still have a nice, defined muscle. That tickles me in some ways. However, it does not make my desire for shorts any stronger. I still hate them.

However, this summer has made me start looking at them and saying "Well, maybe. But only maybe." I have been looking at a pair of cargo bermuda shorts and seeing them as a ballgame alternative. And thus, strangely, I have become quite enamored with them. However, it lays in the back of my mind that I will probably buy them and then decide I hate both them and my calves and then decide to spend the rest of the summer in bed, wearing only a white dressing gown and eating only chicken broth that I sip out of a gravy boat.

So in that spirit, I have decided to talk about shorts, because really, it's the only thing I'm thinking about I WANT TO BUY THEM THAT BAD. Here's what you need to know:

1. If you are thin and under the age of 25, please, by all means, wear shorts. Wear short shorts, wear long shorts, wear bikini bottoms, wear nothing. You have a great body so you can get away with it. But by all means, try to remember that you are over the age of 13. Sometimes short shorts paired with a t-shirt or another simple style shirt can make you look a bit young. So unless you're the decoy for To Catch a Predator, it's probably not the look you are going for. Pair your shorts with a nice blazer, or at least a shirt in a refined knit. I'm always really jealous of those folks in the J.Crew catalog with the short white shorts and the jewel-toned v-neck sweaters. Rock that look, not the Bobby-and-I-kissed-under-the-bleachers-and-he-tastes-like-dirt look.

2. Never wear high heels with really short shorts. That's a look of a different kind altogether. However, cute wedges worn with bermudas looks really fresh right now.

3. If you have a bit more meat on your bones, be willing to try on a few pairs. You may love the look of bermudas, but if they hit you at the widest part of your leg, you may be out of luck. However, another pair might hit you in a more flattering way. Try them all out, and if they don't work, well, they just don't work. Be prepared to sweat, baby.

4. Finally, remember this important rule with denim shorts:

You may think you look like this:

But you really look like this:

Step away from the denim shorts, folks. Step away.