Dear Students who are Near My Desk,
Ok ladies. It is only the second day of summer classes, and already you guys have forced me to write a blog entry addressing your crimes against my eyes. Yes, I know it is hot in the Bay Area, and it's not usually hot in the Bay Area and you're not quite sure how to handle it. I'm hot too, and last night I had to sleep with the windows open, and now my allergies are horrible. So I look doubly bad. But the difference between me and you is the fact that I HAVE ON CLOTHES. You, my lovely, lovely students, have somehow managed to mistake swimsuit cover ups for actual clothing. I know it's hard to tell the difference between the two. However, there are other things, besides shopping somewhere outside the beach/resort department, that you can do to help us all out there. Allow me to elucidate some handy dandy tips for making sure that you don't send me back into a migraine induced rage:
1. Horizontal stripes are not your friend. Especially not on a tube dress.
2. Do not wear those flouncy micro-mini things with the ruffles. Those are hideous, and were basically popular while I was in college. Which was a while ago. And by popular, I mean, to people under the age of 16. Clinton Kelly said it best when he said (and he actually said it in regards to one of these skirts), "Don't try to compete with the 16 year olds, because the 16 year olds always win." That's a valuable lesson. And if you are going to wear one, please don't grab your ass while running up the stairs and screaming "Don't look up my skirt! I'm wearing a thong!" Ah, nothing says future doctor like a visible thong under a ruffled mini-skirt.
3. If something is made of very thin cotton or linen, please wear a cami or tank underneath. Your bra may be pretty, but not all of us want to look at its intricacies all day, nor do we want to see the underside of your boob because you bought the wrong size in your afforementioned intricate bra.
4. Flip flops are for the shower, the beach and for slipping on to take the trash out. When you wear flat shoes with no support, and you have just a teensy bit more weight on you than, say, Barbie, you're going to look fatter. It's a fact of nature. I believe Einstein proved it. Moreover, an intricate floral print haltar dress paired with flip flops does not make you look romantic or stylish or any of the things that made you buy that abomination of a dress in the first place. It makes you look like a fat person who needs to go shoe shopping. And it also makes my eyes bleed.
If you follow these tips, I'll let you use my stapler. And you know how you're always wanting to use my stapler. If you don't, no stapler for you.
Thanks,
Me
P.S. Bras are not optional.
Ok--now that that is out of the way...a product review. On my trip to Target, I also bought Johnson's Softoil Melt Away Stress Massaging Moisturizer, mostly because I knew this was the first week of school, and my life was going to suck this week. I got it home, and while I was sneaking my new bevvy of products into the bathroom and away from the watchful eye of my frugal husband, he noticed the bottle. Fortunately for me, he thought it was "that" kind of massage oil. Then he got excited. Really excited. Enough not to realize that I had a bunch of scented goodies in my arms (besides the things I reviewed yesterday, I also got some nail polish in my favorite color, some shampoo and conditioner, and some hand cream, but those were all needed items, and thus, not worthy of review). But alas, it is not that kind of massage oil (although my husband doesn't know that yet). It is actually a massage oil that you can use solo, and is like a baby oil. It does smell WONDERFUL however. It has a lavender scent that is not too heavy. And yes, it does "melt away stress." Or at least, it worked on me. Keep in mind, however, that I am not that bright, and am quite taken by advertising campaigns, marketing tools, and the placebo effect. But whatever the reason, after taking a bath and slathering this on my self, I was totally zenned out, and ready to veg. Moreover, it is a great moisturizer. My skin looked all glistening and porn-y after using it. The especially good news about this is that it is not heavy, and easy to use if you are usually not a big fan of oils and things. I didn't feel sticky or wet, nor did I feel greasy. I just felt at peace. And sleepy. And kinda stoned, actually. So put down the pipe and go buy this. Enjoy.
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