The Horrors of Friday the 13th

Since today is just a scary day, I think it is only appropriate to call out a repeat fashion offender, something that frightens even the strongest fashionistas to their very core. This is the kind of thing that forces even those of us with the strongest constitutions running in the other direction, holding our bags to our supple, heaving bosoms.

Of course, I speak of the matte jersey gaucho pant. Gaze upon it in its hideousness:

Folks, this is a professional picture, taken by someone who wants to sell you these pants (I would normally tell you who, but in this case...no). Do you see the problem here? Do you see why this is a problem (other than the fact that these are roughly the same color as the stuff that was passing through my son's colon when he was roughly four months old)?

Just in case you weren't looking in the right place, here's the issue: When you wear these pants, we. can. see. your. vulva. When you wear these pants, I KNOW where babies come from--in fact, I could demonstrate it to a group of curious 8 year olds. You see, these pants are made from matte jersey, and matte jersey can best be described as the high school best friend of the fabric world. It just hangs right on you, and lives to give up your secrets and make you look fat. Plus, with the fit of these things, you just cater right to its sick desires. The matte jersey is even laughing at you when you wear these things. Now just watch while it makes out with your boyfriend in the back of the band bus.

I know some people love these kind of pants because you can dress them up or down or whatever, and while that's true (for the segment of the population that is over 5'5" and under 160 lb--all the rest of you [myself included] should steer clear, at least in public), there are much better options. For starters, how's about choosing a pant with a waistband that will not expand when you decide to eat a whole chicken and a 5 lb. bag of taters? If that's not an option, or you just want something for those lazy VH1 marathon days, find a pair of comfy pants made out of a soft, yet substantial knit. I have a great pair from Ann Taylor Loft that is made of a comfy substantial knit that doesn't sneak into my crevices when I turn my back on it, and I would link it here, but I bought them a while ago and don't see them there any more. Shy away from anything thin or silky, as in addition the camel-toe effect, these also tend to look cheap after just a few washings. And nothing's worse than a cheap woman exposing her lady-parts. They force you into rehab for that kind of thing. Just ask Britney.